Shyness: You May Have It
Let’s talk about shyness.
As a personality trait, shyness refers to a tendency to avoid others, as well as feelings of social inhibition (uneasiness and strain when socializing).
Shy people fail to make eye contact, retreat when spoken to, speak too quietly, and show little interest or movement (animation) in a conversation.
Do you
- Find it hard to talk to strangers?
- Lack confidence with people?
- Feel uncomfortable in a social situation?
- Feel nervous with people who are not close friends?
If so, then congratulations! … You can now (more than likely) label yourself as shy… Mild shyness may not be more than a nuisaance. However, extreme shyness is often linked with depression, loneliness, fearfulness, social anxiety, inhibition, and low self-esteem (sounds bad).
WHAT CAUSES SHYNESS?
Shyness is caused by a few elements. First of, shy people often lack social skills (the ability to interact well with others). Surprisingly, there are a lot of people who have simply not learned how to meet people, how to start a conversation, and how to keep it going once it had begun. Social anxiety (a feeling of apprehension in the presence of others) is also a factor of shyness.
Almost everyone feels nervous in some social situation (like when you meet that really, really, REALLY hot guy/girl). Typically, this is a reaction to evaluation fears (fears of being inadequate, embarrassed, ridiculed, or rejected). There’s no denying that most of us get evaluation fears from time to time, but shy people get them on a whole other level!
A third problem for shy people is self-defeating bias. Shy people always blame themselves when a social encounter doesn’t go well. They are wayyy too self-critical in social situations (I know for a fact I’m overly self-critical sometimes).
SITUATIONS THAT CAUSE SHYNESS
This dude named Arnold Buss, in 1980, said…
Shyness is mostly triggered by novel or unfamiliar social situations. A person who does fine with family or close friends may become shy and awkward when meeting a stranger. Shyness is also magnified by formality, by meeting someone of higher status, by being noticeable different from others, or by being the focus of attention (as in giving a speech).
Don’t most people become cautious and inhibited in such circumstances? Yes. But that’s exactly why I’m going to show you how the personalities of shy and non-shy people differ. Don’t rush me 
.
TRAITS OF THE SHY PERSONALITY
I have this overwhelming tendency to say that shy people are wrapped up in their own feelings and thoughts. But I don’t because of two people named Jonathan Cheek and Arnold Buss (the guy with the quote earlier). They found that there is no connection between shyness and private self-consciousness (a big word that basically means “the attention you show to your inner feelings, thoughts, and fantasies”). Instead, they discovered that shyness is linked to public self-consciousness (the attention you show to yourself as a social object in a greater social society).
People who rate high in public self-consciousness are intensely concerned about what others think of them.
They worry about saying the wrong thing or appearing foolish. In public, they may feel “naked” or as if others can “see through them”. These feelings can trigger anxiety or outright fear during social encounters, leading to awkwardness and inhibition. Shy peoples’ anxiety, in turn, often causes them to misperceive others in social situations.
As I said, almost everyone feels anxious in at least some social situations. But there is a key difference in the way shy and non-shy people label this anxiety. Shy people tend to consider their social anxiety a lasting personality trait. Shyness, in other words, becomes part of their self-concept. In contrast, non-shy people believe that external situations cause their occasional feelings of shyness. When non-shy people feel anxiety or “stage fright,” they assume that almost anyone would feel as they do under the same circumstances.
This ‘labelling’ is important because it affects self-esteem. In general, non-shy people tend to have higher self-esteem than shy people (an obvious, but I had to state it). This is all because non-shy people give themselves credit for their social successes as they recognize that failures are often due to circumstances. In contrast, shy people blame themselves for social failures and never give themselves credit for successes.
SHY BELIEFS
What can be done to reduce shyness? Well, there’s this psychologist named Michel Girodo who, while at a shyness clinic (yes, they exist), noticed that shyness if often maintained by unrealistic or self-defeating beliefs. Some of those beliefs are…
- If you wait around long enough at a social gathering, something will happen. This is really a cover-up for fear of starting a conversation. For two people to meet, at least one has to make an effort, and it might as well be you.
- Other people who are popular are just lucky when it comes to being invited to social events or asked out. Except for those times when a person is formally introduced to someone new is this false. People who are more active socially typically make an effort to meet and spend time with others. They go out to clubs, invite others to do things, strike up conversations with strangers, and generally leave little to luck.
- The odds of meeting someone interested in socializing are always the same, no matter where I am. This is another excuse for inaction. It pays to seek out situations that have a higher probability of leading to social contact, such as clubs, teams, and those random events that pop up in your city from time to time.
- If someone doesn’t seem to like you right away, he or she really doesn’t like you and never will. This beliefs leads to SO MUCH needless shyness. Even when a person doesn’t show immediate interest, it doesn’t mean the person dislikes you. Liking takes time and opportunity to develop, people!
Now non-shy people can, and usually do, replace the above statements with…
- I’ve got to actually be active in social situations.
- I can’t wait until I’m completely relaxed or comfortable before taking a social risk. It might never happen.
- I don’t need to pretend to be someone I’m not; it just makes me more anxious.
- I may think other people are harshly evaluating me, but actually I’m being too hard on myself.
- I can set reasonable goals for expanding my social experience and skills.
- Even people who are very ‘socially skilled’ are never successful 100% of the time. I shouldn’t get upset and sad when an encounter with someone goes badly.
DEVELOPING SOCIAL SKILLS
Learning social skills takes practice. There is nothing “innate” about knowing how to meet people or start a conversation. Social skills can be directly practised in a variety of ways. it can be helpful, for instance, to get a tape recorder and listen to several of your conversations (kinda weird/creepy, but it works). You’ll be surprised by the way you pause, interrupt, miss cues, or seem disinterested. Similarly, it can be useful to look at yourself in a mirror and exaggerate facial expressions of surprise, interest, dislike, pleasure, and so forth (many actors/actresses do this). By using these methods, most people can learn to put more animation and skill into their self-presentation.
HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION
One of the simplest ways to make better conversation is by learning to ask questions. A good series of questions shifts attention to the other person and shows you are actually interested (even if you’re actually not ). Nothing fancy is needed, simple questions will do (but the fancier, the better).
Questions break the ice!
Open-ended questions are better. In replying to open-ended questions, people often give “free information” about themselves. You use this “free information” to ask even more questions; presumably better, unique, and more focused questions.
Overcoming shyness requires a real effort to learn new skills and test old beliefs and attitudes. It may even require the help of a counsellor or therapist. At the very least, a shy person must be willing to take social risks. Breaking down the barriers of shyness will always include some awkward or unsuccessful ‘encounters’. Nevertheless, the rewards are powerful; human companionship and personal freedom.
So… Are you shy? And, if yes, what are you going to do about it?
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Written by Arsene: Hey, I'm Arsène. To sum everything up briefly I'm a krump dancer/teacher, mixed-media artiste, social media manager, writer, ex-ubervegan, ex-polyphasic sleeper, and a genocide survivor (yes, that's the brief version). If you must label me, call me "fool" or "revolutionary". I don't mind, I've been called both countless times. Find me working on my current project over at Quotes-Clothing.com <--- Quotes can change the world. |
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4 Responses to “Shyness: You May Have It”
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I am so over people trying to define “shy” when they actually have no clue.
Being shy is not a social or any other kind of desease. We are not stuck up or self conscious. We are just not loud and over bearing and obnoxious and attention seeking idots like most of the world is. Our lives do not revolve around talking out heads off and interuprting others just to be heard.
It does NOT mean we are social dolts ill equipped to handle social interaction. Shy people are some of the most creative intelligent human beings on the planet and often make the best friends to have. We are simply waiting for the rest of you to shut the hell up so we can get a word in edge wise
Uhmm, nobody said shyness was a disease (or that shy people weren’t creative), we all have it, just a varying levels. But I will say being more self-conscious does make you more shy, it’s the basis of it after all.
Thing you learn through life is that if you want to be heard you eventually have to learn how to talk louder than the other people around you… people will never “shut the hell up”.
Introverted and extroverted personalities are good in different circumstances, but when you need to talk to a group of people, go on stage, or whatever, being extroverted helps, just trying to help people with that.
Shyness is definitely an issue people come across of in their lifetime. I broke out of my “shyness” during middle school. I recognized the value of networking and actually having a conversation with someone.
Great detailed post man.
Haha, thank you. I too was surprised by how much detail I went into.